Can you remember the last time someone gave you some personal negative feedback? Doesn’t it hurt more if it is unsolicited? How does it make you feel when it delivered in a loud demeaning tone? Ouch.
You and I are currently live and react at a certain level of enlightenment. In my quest for personal self-growth, one of my big ah-ha’s was realizing people look at us and each situation through the filter of their lives. We also create beliefs from our youth that, if not properly addressed, still run programs in our heads that determine our reactions. For example, a friend of mine that I used to date had a habit of changing clothes two or three times before she could go to dinner. I discovered through conversation that when she was young, her funny and well meaning father used to tease her, “You’re wearing that?” Her dad meant to be funny and his intention was harmless. It still created a pattern of second guessing her choice of attire.
We all have “stuff” that we carry with us through life. Some of it serves us well. Like looking both ways before we cross the road. Unless we deal with the negative or patterns that no longer serve us, we will continue to rerun the program.
When people react to something you do or say, they are reacting, again, based on their patterns or beliefs from their life. When people are having a bad day or were just “hurt” by someone, they may also have a tendency to “lash out” and see more negative than they may have otherwise. Recently I got an email that said:
“You are an amazing speaker. You don’t need to pitch. You need to help people gain knowledge and they will buy without the sales pitch. I asked for some help/advice a week ago, have I heard a word? NO. But I get pitched. Sorry I have told so many about you…….now I am very disappointed.” ~unsigned
Ouch! Though I crave all feedback, sometimes I don’t like to hear it. This came as a response to an email that I sent out to my past customers letting them know about a new DVD I released. Each week, as you know if you are reading this, I generate a great deal of content that I put out for no charge.
Though some non-business people may think you don’t have to pitch, most successful business people know that it is essential.
To this person’s second point, they were we absolutely correct. I did not get back to their question. I get mails to AskDarren.com all the time. I do answer them all, depending on my schedule and travel, sometimes it may take me up to a week.
Guess what all of this doesn’t matter! The reaction of Ms. Very Disappointed was her “stuff.” My reaction to her reaction is my “stuff.” I realize I have a need to explain it to you, my reader, because I have a desire to be liked. I believe most of us do.
What you and I need the reminder on is to step back and ask ourselves, “Whose ‘stuff’ is it anyway?” When I take a walk each morning in a park near my house, I pass by several people also walking. Some greet me with a smile and a hello. Some never make eye contact. Whether good or bad, it’s their stuff. We can’t control that.
What we have more control over is our own filter. Being able to see that because someone treats you rudely it’s most likely their stuff. If everyone I passed by treats me rudely, I could be in the wrong park or I could be putting out a bad vide and they’re stuff is reacting to my stuff. (Feel like you might need a flow chart?)
I remember Patricia Fripp telling a story where a well-meaning emerging speaker walked up to her just before a program and asked if he could give her feedback from her last presentation. She replied, “No.” She is experienced enough to know that even if the feedback was good and helpful, it would effect her performance that she was about to give. Constructive feedback is not what you want to hear right before you walk on stage.
Ms. Very Disappointed got the answer to her question. Though she was not happy with me, I had to step back and give her the best answer I could and not let my personal feelings about her comment flavor it. I was proud with my own progress. Several years ago she may have gotten a different answer.
Do you have the ability to discern between your stuff and other people’s stuff? If you are anything like me, I tend to take things too personally. I’m working on me, are you working on you? Your thoughts as you read this right now, is it my stuff or your stuff?
I have two thoughts about your post Darren. First is to say thank you! As a speaker I often ask the audience to fill out evaluation forms at the end of class. I crave feedback, often in a room of 60 people I will get 50 very good to excellent evaluation, 8 or 9 good evaluation and 1 or 2 negative evaluation. In the past have sometimes let the negative evaluation effect my opinion of myself. What you say makes sense. If 98% of people enjoyed the presentation the negative evaluations are a reflection of that person’s.
Secondly and more importantly THANK you for “pitching”. The first time I saw you speak, you “pitched” your programs. If you had just made a nice presentation but had not made an offer I couldn’t refuse I would not have purchased your products. Because you “pitched” at your presentation I am now living my DREAM!!!!! I am a full time, well paid professional speaker because I purchased your products and apply the principles.
I personally know several other people whose lives have been changed because you “pitched” your incredible programs. PLEASE keep “pitching”.
I believe our click-n-buy instant gratification world skews people’s perception and affects our “stuff.” Like you (Darren), I’m on the road presenting and helping others and not glued to my computer providing immediate responses, but do my best to reply as soon as possible.
It reminds me of an incident when I borrowed my brother’s ski boots for a day trip to Mammoth and he asked me to return them for his trip to Big Bear the following month. I dutifully said, “Yes, I’ll bring them to you next weekend.” Unfortunately I forgot and life interceded and did not return the boots for more than six months. I apologized and was sincere about the faux pas. I was treated to a verbal assault that had festered in his mind for half a year. I apologized again and said, “I honestly forgot. A simple reminder could have resolved the matter.” There is more to the story and good points to be made, but point I’m making here is if Ms Very Disappointed really wanted the help she could have called, re-emailed or instigated any form of appropriate follow up. Under the circumstances it is her stuff.
Absolutely right on this topic of ‘stuff’. Yes, negative reactions are frequently due to the problems of the reactor. It is the same with all aspects of life but unfortunately it so easy to forget that. Many thanks for the timely reminder! E.
In the corporate environment, I use to give and get feedback. Sometime people feel they are obligated to provide feedback. I used to take comments very personal too. Then, I learnt that what people say it is not only about you it is also about them. I keep this in mind when receiving feedback and it help me to see opportunities without taking it personal.
1. This lady has to realize you have 200-300 emails a day (I’m figuring..could be off a bit on the numbers). A person shouldnt expect too much from an email, or next day service. By the way, how lazy can you get?
Hit a few buttons on a computer, hit send, and expect $1000 coaching advice? Sheez….
2. Pitch…. Hawk…. Sell…. PUSH your product? Heck YA! I really wish I could call this lady. I would tell her how this so called “Darren’s pitching” has given me a something I can’t put a price on. To call it “Life Changing” would’nt do it justice. I don’t know if I could ever repay… but I will certainly attempt it.
3. Yes it is her stuff. She just has the wrong lenses on to see the real deal. God bless Darren Lacroix….no really…. Seriously.
Thanks for sharing Darren. I know what you mean about taking things too personally. I remember an audio tape I received from Craig Valentine about him getting a laugh in a speech where he least expected. It turned out the laugh wasn’t his issue but the people in the audience found it funny that this particular person ( whom they all knew) thought it was funny that he would react that way.
Craig used this moment to his advantage in his speech and we all learned as a result. However sometimes we can be the brunt of negative stuff that isn’t really about us at all. I have a friend who owns a restaurant and she gets upset when customers yell at her or speak in negative tones. I say to her hat it isn’t anything about your or the restaurant. It is about the day that person is having and you are the first person in their line of fire. When you are sensitive it is hard to sort out their stuff from your stufff and I hope you will continue with the optimistic and positive attitude you have. Between you and Criag I have learned so much about speaking that I feel you have been both standing over my shoulder giving me coaching and feedback. It is so important to me because my clbnub is in an isolated area and I don’t always get the first hand coaching that people in highly populated areas, with many Toastmasters clubs might receive.
Because you come into our homes every week through emails, videos and so on we have become like family. Sometimes we are having a moment and need to take it out on the first person who happens to appear and that could be you in an email and so on. 🙂
So as you said, don’t take it personal. We shouldn’t and you shouldn’t sometimes we need to vent and you happen to be the one there to give it too. Thanks for letting me vent and seeing my growth. Can’t wait to see you in Orlando. You are and always will be my HERO my MENTOR and not just in speaking.
I don’t remember a word of your keynote in February at the Champs camp, I only remember you made me cry. LOL But they were tears of joy and I was inspired. I am creating my life how I want it to be. “I may forget what you said or what you did, but I’ll never forget how you made me feel.” Maya Angelou
Life’s tooooooooo short, don’t take it personal. Stuff the Stuff and be HAPPY 🙂
Hi Darren
Sorry about this comment, but I actually wanted to read another article entitled “What Do You See?” Unfortunately, I did not “see” much because the font in the emails you send is in some kind of lopsided-looking characters that I find very hard to read.
I usually look for the link to the article and then read it directly from your website. Unfortunately, I could not find the link today, but there was a “blog” link that directed me here.
I hope the article was good!
Darren, You have always been so open and generous with your ideas, time and experience. Your willingness to reach out and give and give and give to help other speakers is inspiring. I am so grateful for the many lessons I have learned from you.
Sounds like your ‘critic’ was having a very bad day, or week or … ? She definitely does not know much about you. I’m happy to hear you were able to respond with compassion.
I’m reminded of one of “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” Easy to quote, though difficult to practice.
Thank you for sharing this story and its lesson. As always, very helpful. Thank you!